Are you in therapy? Have you ever wondered what therapy could do for you? Would you like to free yourself from depression, fears, and anxieties? Read on.
"The Psychotherapy Workbook will take you out of the darkness of negativity and blame and lift you into the light of self knowledge and forgiveness. This is a practical, powerful, life-changing guide. Read and use it please!"
Harold Bloomfield, psychiatrist and New York Times bestselling author of Hypericum And Depression,Healing Anxiety With Herbs,Making Peace with Your Parents and Making Peace with Yourself
The Psychotherapy Workbook: A Home-Study Guide for Growth and Change is a practical and effective tool that allows you to explore your personal psychology in the privacy of your own home. This Workbook can be used to design your own self-help program, or as an aid if you're already in therapy. The following issues are addressed in this Workbook:
•Anxiety
•Depression
•Phobias
•Agoraphobia
•Panic Attacks
•Mindbody Healing
•Psychosomatic Illness
•Eating Disorders
•Addictions
•Substance Abuse
•Insomnia
$20 plus tax
244 pages
please call 860.236.5555 to schedule an appointment
or email
kathleen.cairns@mac.com
Excerpt from Preface
"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them;
sometimes they forgive them."
Oscar Wilde, from the preface of "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 1891
Preface - From Freud To Geraldo
We want to stop the pain. We want to fill the gaping hole we sense is deep inside of us. We look outside for love, attention, money, power, control, and validation. We don't feel our own completeness, our wholeness, and our perfection.
No longer willing to suffer in silence like good little victims, we are now talking. Endlessly. Witness the success of television shows such as "Oprah," "Leeza," "Sally Jessie Raphael," and "Montel Williams." Freud initiated this "talking cure" in the beginning of the twentieth century. From Freud to "Geraldo" in just a few decades.
In the old days, doctors were men and women in the community who were religious and spiritual healers. Shamans, priests, wise men, and gifted women with magic potions. There was a "magical covenant," an unspoken contract of faith and trust in the healing powers of the mystical authority figure. The success of the healing depended on the shared belief system of the patient and the community, the idealization of the healer, and the healer's belief in himself. This paradigm lasted for thousands of years, and still exists in certain cultures.
To a large extent, the spirituality of today's New Age movement may be seen as a renewed interest and respect for ancient inner healing techniques. Homeopathy, acupuncture, naturopathic medicine, aromatherapy, hydrotherapy, hands-on healing, chiropractic, chakra alignment, psychic readings, astrology, channeling, past-life regression. The list goes on. There is a global interest in ancient means of healing and cure. We see a renewed religious movement which is reflected in the large number of trans-denominational churches in this country. But psychological healing is relatively new. Modern psychology is based on Freud's understanding of the relationship between patient and doctor, the magical release of pain through talking, and the notions of repression, denial, and motivation. His ideas gave rise to therapy as we know it today. The therapist replaced the priest. The couch replaced the temple. Anti-depressants and tranquilizers replaced incense and herbs.
Let The Healing Begin
Our pain comes from childhood because our parents weren't perfect. They were human. We were injured in childhood but we still feel the pain as adults. And what is our pain? The pain is fear; the fear that we're not good enough, not lovable, not special, not whole. We hide from who we really are, hoping not to see our flaws, our ugliness, our vulnerability. And with fear comes the imprisonment of our souls. We lock away our true selves, and present a false mask to the world, a mask we think is more lovable, more worthy of acceptance and love. But we're wrong. The true self, the better self, is locked away; unfree, waiting to be wanted and missed, but not knowing how to reappear.
Baby Boomers are rather intolerant of pain and oppression. We are endlessly looking for relief in the form of a magic pill, a quick remedy, or a new guru. The search is expanding into our world view as well. The ever-changing political world is calling for freedom on every continent. Witness the end of apartheid in South Africa, the fall of the Wall in Berlin, and the end of Communism.
We are demanding freedom for ourselves, for our community, and for our world. At the turn of the 21st century, the 90's have been as free and evolutionary as the 60's.
Parental Programs
In this book, I offer a metaphor for healing: "Parental Program." Just like programmers input software and data into the hard drive of a computer, our parents "program" our self-concept by their words and actions. Parental Programs are messages we receive in childhood telling us who we are. As a computer obeys the commands in its programs, we obey the "commands" in our unconscious minds. Our parents supply the data with words: "You're just like your father!" "You're stupid." "You're pretty." And with actions: Absence and neglect makes us feel unimportant. Drinking makes us scared. Yelling tells us we're bad. Love makes us feel worthy. If we think we're unworthy, we'll sabotage ourselves. If we feel stupid, we won't even try. Unconscious negative Parental Programs hinder our freedom to live happily and to have successful relationships and jobs.
With case studies, I illustrate the acting out of Parental Programs by men and women of all ages and backgrounds. The people you will be reading about have all been my patients of mine at one time. I've changed names and identifying information, but have kept true to the essence of each person to the best of my ability. I am truly grateful for their willingness to allow me into their lives.
We are all vulnerable to the dictates of Programs, regardless of socio-economic background, race, religion, or gender. My hope is that in reading these case histories, you may recognize your own Programs. Once seen, you are then free to decide if they are appropriate for you today. In coming chapters we'll explore ways of discovering your own Programs.
Do you like your Programs? Do they make your life happy, fulfilling, rewarding? Are you free to be yourself? Would you like to erase your old Programs and write them anew?
This workbook is intended to be a home-study guide for growth and change, as if you were a patient of mine. Together, we will uncover your Programs. We will look inside, find your pain, and begin the journey. Hopefully, it will set you free.
Bad Programs, Not Bad Parents
It has become fashionable in the past few decades to analyze, blame, and judge parents for all of our problems. But I believe we can heal in a much more loving way by replacing blame and judgment with understanding and compassion.
There are many good, kind, loving, respectful, supportive parents who give wonderful Programs to their children. I want to make it clear that no one is all bad or all good. Mother Teresa probably had some annoying habits, while Hitler's charisma led a nation to destruction.
In this workbook, I am focusing on Negative Programs. My patients who have stories of abuse also have memories of tender moments with the same parent. I'm not writing about blame. I'm writing about understanding. When you read the stories, please read them with compassion for the abusive parent. He or she received Negative Programs from the grandfather or grandmother of the patient, who had received Negative Programs from the great-grandfather or great-grandmother of the patient, and on and on...
No one is born evil or abusive.
The Stories
I believe we are all fascinated with each other. We're intrigued by the human condition. In books and movies, we seek entertainment and comfort by watching other people's lives because we want to understand the deeper meaning within our own. In reading about the rich and famous, we become so involved, we often feel we know them. Remember how the world shared a collective loss at the death of Princess Diana, having watched her story-book life of not only fame and beauty, but of insecurity and bulimia. We saw a real woman with real problems, and we loved her for her vulnerability. If other's have weaknesses and pain, it must be OK for us to be less than perfect too. It is for this reason that I have written the case histories in this book. The stories are about everyday people with everyday problems and everyday lives. We can identify with them, and learn from their growth and change.
Throughout this workbook, we will see how Programs we received in childhood have long-lasting effects throughout our lives. We learn who we are with the mind of a child, blindly accepting our Programs for the rest of our lives. It's time to analyze these self-definitions. Are they true? Do they accurately portray our true selves? Are we more, better, smarter, nicer, more loving, more successful, than we have been led to believe?
If the negative, false Programs are the flaws, we now have the software to cure ourselves. By treating our dis-ease, we can identify our negative ideas about ourselves, see ourselves through clear adult eyes for the first time, and decide who we really are.
Questionnaires, Exercises, and Homework
In every chapter, there are questionnaires, exercises, and homework to help you reprogram your software, replacing negativity and restrictions with positivity and freedom. They are designed to help you uncover your Programs, reveal your true self, and be free to live the life you deserve. The questionnaires begin the process of remembering your past, and the homework assignments continue your growth and change in the future. The exercises give you constructive and tangible activities to change your unconscious beliefs and behaviors. And at the end of each chapter, there is space for you to write about your insights as you read the stories and do the work.
All of this can be done privately, at your own pace, whenever you are ready. It's important to do them in the order they are presented. One at a time, one chapter at a time. Fill out each questionnaire slowly, with concentration and thought. Participate in each exercise thoroughly, letting go, with willingness to explore your self. Let the homework be creative and fun. Some activities will be more fitting for you than others. Remember, the more you give, the more you will receive.
And the healing will begin.
Excerpt from Chapter One
"If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success with it."
Freud, from "A Childhood Memory of Goethe's" 1917
"The computer is no better than its program."
Elting Elmore Morison, from "Men, Machines, and Modern Times" 1966
Chapter 1
Parental Programs: Your Internal Drive
The Beautiful Vase
Imagine a beautiful a vase, brilliant in color, perfect in design. See water being poured into the vase. But this vase has a hole. Not a large hole, but big enough to allow the water to seep out the bottom. Pour in more water and it merely flows out. We repeat this pouring in of more water until finally it occurs to us that the solution is not to add more water. The answer lies in repairing the hole.
We are the vase. The water is external things that make us feel happy, like relationships, love, money, houses, cars, drugs, or alcohol. The hole is our injured self-esteem. We can attempt to make ourselves complete and happy by using people and things. We can pour in more water. But we won't be able to hold onto these things; we won't be able to believe we really deserve them. It's only when we repair our sense of self that we can have meaning in our lives, that we can feel loved. So how do we do this? What's the answer to the eternal question, "How can I learn to love myself?"
Unhappy relationships caused by a lack of self-love are the most common problems people bring to a therapist's office. Although couples argue over money and children and whether the toilet seat should be left up or down, the real problem is that our needs aren't being met, and we don't know how to ask for what we need. Our sense of deservedness and self-esteem is low. We sometimes don't even know what we need. We have minimal tools for coping with this lack of satisfaction in our lives. We are afraid.
When we are newly born babies in this world, we're full of love and openness. We're so filled with love for ourselves and others, we're aware of little else. So where do we learn that we're not good enough, not lovable, not worthy, not deserving of love? When were we infected with the virus of self-doubt?
Tracking Down The Virus
We are infected when we cry as a child but no one comforts us. We are infected when we hurt and want to be held but are instead ignored or punished. We are infected when our parents misinterpret our needs. We are infected when an impatient or drunk parent beats us. We are infected when we are sexually abused by a parent who was himself sexually abused. We are infected when we are told we are stupid or a failure or ugly or useless or bad or in the way. We are infected when we learn negative things about ourselves in a context of neglect, abuse, or ignorance.
Patients coming to my office all have self-definitions based on what they were taught at the moment of infection. If a child was beaten by an alcoholic parent, he is infected with the germ of unlovableness: "If I were more lovable, my father would not drink. He beats me because I am bad." The child doesn't have the intellect or maturity to see the father has a disease. If a child is neglected by a workaholic, she's infected by the germ of unworthiness: "If I were worthy of time and attention, my mother would come home earlier and spend time with me. I am not good enough." She doesn't have the insight to understand the real problem is the workaholic's need to over-function and escape on the job.
Parental Programs
Our minds and spirits are impressionable when we're young, easily influenced by every person and event in our world. Parents are god-like creatures who hold our lives in their hands and seem to know everything. We believe everything they say, pay attention to everything they do. We look to them to tell us who we are: good or bad, stupid or smart, pretty or ugly, worthy or undeserving, important or insignificant. They tell us whom we are with their words and more often by their behaviors. I call these words and behaviors "Programs".
Parental Program is a term I have coined to describe the unconscious "orders for life" we receive from our parental figures. Our parents teach us who we are by how they behave towards us and how they treat us, thus giving us our self-definitions. We carefully and unquestioningly obey and execute these definitions of self at all costs, even when doing so is painful and counterproductive.
We all have Programs, most of them given to us by our parents when we were very young. Additional Programs are given to us by aunts, uncles, older siblings, teachers, and other authority figures. Our Programs tell us who we must be, how we must behave, and how we must think of ourselves. We carefully and unquestioningly obey and execute these Programs, even when we know our behavior is self-destructive. Every Program must be obeyed.
If we are soothed when we cry, we eagerly accept the Program that says we're worthy, deserving, and lovable. If we're beaten or ignored, we just as impressionably accept the Program that insists we're unworthy, undeserving, and unlovable. These Programs become our life-long beliefs. They're irrefutable facts. If we had an abusive childhood, if we "learned" we're unworthy, undeserving, and unlovable, it's difficult to "unlearn" this as adults, no matter how much evidence to the contrary is heaped before our eyes. We've all met wonderfully lovable adults who have low self-esteem, whose Programs won't let them believe they're worthy, deserving, talented, or lovable. We get our definitions of ourselves from our parents when we're very young and we keep them for life. We can't begin to change unless we recognize the Programs.
A beautiful baby
Imagine that a child is born. A beautiful baby. This baby is created and brought into this world feeling completely open and loving toward himself and everyone in the world, arms and heart wide open. But his parents are human, which means they aren't perfect. They have their own hurts and shortcomings. And when they aren't able to perfectly meet the baby's needs, he is hurt. And in his childhood, he will experience other disappointments, hurtful words and actions, or unmet needs. He then learns to defend against the pain. He closes his arms and becomes fearful. The beautiful baby creates a mask to wear, a false outer self that protects him from perceived pain. And the masks, the defenses, and the unfortunate Programs are passed down from generation to generation.
No one is born evil or abusive. Hate and fear are masks we wear, the outer manifestations of our negative Programs. Our goal in this lifetime is to get rid of the false self, to once again accept ourselves for who and what we are, to return to who we were at the time of our birth: all good, all kind, all loving.
Children believe what their parents tell them about themselves in word or in deed. Forever, subtly, unconsciously. It's only when we go back to the scene of the infection and discover how we learned our negative Programs that we can begin to free ourselves of their harmful effects. Only then are we free to become who we were truly meant to be.
Masks
The very behavior that saved you as a child is the very behavior that hurts you as an adult. Michael is a perfect example. When Michael was a little boy, he learned that if he were very quiet, passive, and obedient, he would be safe from his bad-tempered father's anger. It saved him from the punishments that his outspoken brothers received. However, he continued to behave in a quiet, passive, obedient manner, so much so that it hurt his career. He was afraid to speak in meetings at work and felt unable to offer new ideas. He was perceived as non-motivated and unintelligent by his supervisor. Even when asked for his thoughts, Michael still couldn't bring himself to give his opinions, afraid they would be wrong or not good enough. The quiet, passive, obedient behavior that saved him from his father's temper was exactly the same behavior that hurt him in his job.
Instant Replay
There is a very important term in psychology called "repetition compulsion."
We have an unconscious desire to place ourselves in situations that will make us feel exactly as we did as a child. We are compelled to repeat past behaviors and feelings.
For example, if a child is raised by an alcoholic, there is a very good chance that she will grow up to marry an alcoholic. It would seem against the odds, given the pain and turmoil of an alcoholic home. You would think she would avoid it at all costs. But it is because she was raised in pain and turmoil that it doesn't seem so unusual or bad. It seems normal and somehow comfortable. After all, she knows the behaviors. She knows what to do and how to react to an alcoholic. So when her husband gets drunk, it feels normal to be in the role of caretaker. Not because she loves taking care of a drunken husband, but because she's done it countless times before as a child. Now imagine a woman not raised by alcoholic parents is dating an alcoholic. She isn't familiar with drunken behavior. So when her date gets drunk, she feels uncomfortable and doesn't want to be around him. His behavior doesn't match what feels known to her. It is very important to understand how we were programmed in order to find our own repetition compulsions. Freud said our goal is to make the unconscious conscious. If we make our unconscious Programs conscious, their power is gone.
Our goal is to understand how our problems today are repeating the problems in our childhood. We need to understand the Scene of the Crime, find our Negative Parental Programs, connect them to our behavior today, and find better new Self-Programs.
Computer Programs
I use the analogy of computer programs because computers have become a common yet tremendous influence in our lives. We have changed the way our children learn in school. We write letters and books at the keyboard, taking for granted the amazing mechanism that cuts and pastes and deletes at the touch of a key. We know the computer can only obey commands that have been installed on the hard drive, or in the floppy disk. Despite our frustrations, we've learned that if something goes wrong, it's our fault. The computer can't make its own changes in command, nor can it program itself. We are like the hard drive. We receive programs from our parents, siblings, and other significant people in our childhood. And like computers, we are obliged to obey these "commands" until we uncover them and decide to keep them or delete them. But most of us never realize that we can change and rewrite our Programs.Imagine Parental Program software. Every time a parent interacts with a child, a program is written and "installed" into the child. When we feel a tender touch, it's as if our parents give us program that says: "You are loved and lovable. " When our parents speak to us with undue harshness, it's as if they hand us a program saying: "You are annoying and bad."
And so it's with the same unquestioning faith that a child believes his parents' definition of who he is and how he should live his life. If a child is fortunate enough to have loving, nurturing parents, he will have good self-esteem (self-love). He'll know he's worthy, deserving, lovable, and safe. However, if a child is raised by a dysfunctional parent (unavailable, abusive, neglectful), he'll have low self-esteem because his Programs will say that he's unworthy, undeserving, unlovable, or unsafe.
The Scene of the Crime
The Scene of the Crime are the times in childhood when negative Programs were installed, teaching us we are less than enough. Scene of the Crime are the moments in childhood when the hole in the vase was made. They consist of simple events, words, or behaviors that made us feel not good enough, unloved, unworthy, or not special. We need to look at these scenes, not to blame our caretakers, but to understand, with compassion, so that we may be healed. We find the Scene of the Crime so we can understand why we are the way we are. Pain doesn't go away if ignored. It hurts even more. We realize the old ways of pretending, denial, and overcompensating don't work. It's time to try a different strategy.
Psychotherapy is one method of repairing the hole. Together, you and the therapist locate the hole and mend it, slowly and with love. Or, you can work by yourself, with the assistance of self-help books, groups, friends, and family. Choose whatever feels right for you. The goal is to actively do something to repair the vase.
Linda's Story
Linda is a beautiful attorney with a very successful practice in San Francisco. She is intelligent, out-going, and has many friends. She has it all, except for the one thing she wants the most: a family of her own. Linda has been in a painful relationship with a married man for the last two years. She clings to the hope he will someday leave his wife and three children, but in her saner moments she knows it will never happen.
When Linda was a little girl, she jealously longed for the attention her younger brother received from her parents. He was born with a rare blood disease and required constant medical and parental attention. As a little girl, Linda wasn't capable of understanding that her parents were over-wrought with worry for their son. All she knew was that she wasn't getting the attention she needed. As a little girl, she didn't have the ability to interpret her parents' behavior as necessary given the circumstances. Little Linda simply felt neglected. When she wanted her mother to read to her or play with her, her mother's answer was often "I can't. I have to take care of your brother."
Linda's Programs
"You are second-best."
"You are not as important or lovable as your brother."
"You are not worthy of attention."
And so she unconsciously made her Program true. She became involved in a relationship with a married man, someone whose attention would always be elsewhere. When she wanted to be with him on weekends and holidays, he wasn't available, for he had to be with his family. As an adult, Linda had as many lonely nights as she'd suffered through as a child. This relationship guaranteed she would always feel "second-best" and "not as important." We are all unconsciously brilliant at making our Programs true, no matter how much it hurts.
Going To Extremes
If our Program is to feel judged and criticized, we'll feel judgment and criticism from the outside world, even when no one is being critical. For example, twenty-eight year old Toni once adopted an orphaned kitten. One day soon thereafter, the cat happened to be in the closet, watching her dress. Toni, who had a long childhood history of negative criticism and judgment from her father, told me she knew the cat was looking at her critically, thinking "You're not able to take care of me, you don't know what to do with me, you won't be a good mother." This "criticism" made her feel inadequate and incapable. Obviously, the judgment wasn't coming from the cat; she was projecting her fears of being judged onto the cat. These thoughts were really coming from within Toni, from old Programs that said: "You can't do anything right. You are inadequate. You are incapable." Toni kept finding ways to make her Programs come true, even when they were completely unfounded. She needed those well-known, unhappy feelings, because they made her feel "comfortable," in a very uncomfortable way.
Our Programs drive our beliefs, our thoughts, and our actions. The only power strong enough to overcome a bad Program is a good Program. Only when the bad Programs have been driven out by good Programs are we free to write new self-definitions based on reality. Only then are we free to pursue relationships and careers based on our desires and abilities, not on our perceived limits and lack of confidence. But first we need to recognize our own negative Programs. We cannot begin to set ourselves free until we are aware of our blind beliefs in our old Programs.
Your Turn
Now it's time to take your first step towards freedom. We begin with Questionnaire 1: What's In Your Data Bank? Answer quickly, without editing. Write what first comes into your mind. This questionnaire will jog your memory for The Parental Program Exercise.Take your time. It's the most important exercise in the workbook. It provides you with the groundwork for self-understanding and change. And finally, we end Chapter 1 with Homework 1: Once Upon A Time..." to remind you of your life so far.
Questionnaire 1
What's In Your Data Bank?
1. Describe your mother in five words.
2. Describe your father in five words.
3. Describe your siblings in five words.
4. Describe other important adults in your childhood in five words.
5. What were some of the adjectives your parents used to describe you?
6. How did they sound when they spoke to you?
7. What do you remember about the atmosphere in your home?
8. Describe in one sentence family dinner time.
9. What was your role in the family? Caretaker, peace-maker, clown...
10. How did you feel about yourself at the age of four, five, six?
Parental Program Exercise
Purpose:
*To identify negative Parental Programs
*To write new positive Self-Programs
Let's look at the most important exercise first. I'll present a case history that will clearly illustrate the deep-rooted self-definitions that keep us from realizing our own potential. I will then show the Parental Program Exercise that will act as a guide when you do the exercise for yourself.
Greg's Story
Greg is a 25-year-old recovering cocaine addict referred by his mother, with whom he lives. He works as an underpaid carpenter for an abusive employer. Greg's mother is classically co-dependent, taking care of Greg and her alcoholic husband, neglecting her own needs. She works full-time and is well loved in her community. She is the child of an alcoholic father. Greg's father spends most of his leisure time with his drinking buddies, or at home in front of the television. He works sporadically.
In the initial session of therapy, it was clear Greg's self-esteem was very low and his insight into his present circumstances was limited. Drinking and abuse were normal and comfortable for him. In his 25 years, he had never truly had a satisfying relationship.
"Nothing ever seems to work out. I never tried to do well in school because I felt stupid, and I always seemed to get into trouble. It just seemed to happen. I've tried to get better jobs, but I always seem to end up with a tyrant-type boss. I can't figure it out. I feel like such a loser. I haven't even had a real girlfriend before either. I think it's because I tried too hard. I was too nice, I guess. I'm sick of screwing up, and now that I've gotten the DUI, I've gotta change."
Not Good Enough
In looking closely at Greg's childhood, we discovered his father's Programs were "You are not good enough. You will fail. You will never amount to anything or have anything." This appeared to be the father's own Program too. Sometimes, Programs are multi-generational, handed down from father to son, on and on. His mother's Programs were "Listen to your father (and therefore to his Programs). Let yourself be abused. I am the only one who really loves you." The mother's own Program obviously condoned her own abuse and neglect with an old-fashioned "Listen to your father; he is the head of the house."
In the session where the Programs really came into focus, Greg's eyes widened with a look of "That explains it!" He said he was always late to school, that he tried to be on time but something made him be late on purpose.
"I could never understand why I would do this, but sometimes, when I was almost at school, I would make myself run back home so I would have to run back to school to try to be on time. And of course I'd be late. That always seemed like strange behavior to me, even at the time. That also explains why I stop trying when my volleyball team is about to win. I can feel myself stop trying when I can see we're gonna win. Even the guys on the team have noticed. It's weird. Do you mean that I've been doing this to myself just to make my father's Programs true?"
These are clear examples of making the father's Program true. Sometimes we sabotage ourselves repeatedly and never understand why. Sometimes we allow ourselves to have "just enough" of what we need, but never "too much." Sometimes we almost get what we want, only to lose it at the last moment. And we don't understand why this happens over and over again. Is it a coincidence we always end up in the same set of living circumstances? How is it we always seem to have the same lifestyle, always on the same level of comfort or discomfort, no matter what our job or where we live? We may call it "fear of success" or "fear of intimacy," but it all comes down to our obedience to our Programs.
In one of our first sessions together, I asked Greg to write out his Programs. I told him to list the Programs he received from his parents and other significant people, and to write how he made them come true.
FATHER'S PROGRAMS
You are a loser.
You can't do anything right.
You are not good enough.
You are a failure.
You are a screw-up.
You are stupid.
You are always in trouble.
You are worthless.
You're just like me.
HOW I MAKE THEM COME TRUE
I don't even try.
I quit when I'm close to success or winning, like in sports or school.
I make myself late.
I never studied. I mocked the smart kids. I thought of myself as dumb.
I took drugs to numb myself.
I abused my mind and body.
I drove after drinking and got a DUI.
I always work for men who exploit me.
I feel uncomfortable with someone who is nice to me.
I don't trust when people want to know me, like with girls.
MOTHER'S PROGRAMS
You deserve to be abused.
No one will ever love you except me.
You are helpless, weak, and a victim.
You are powerless.
It is your job to take care of everyone else before yourself.
You're just like your father.
HOW I MAKE THEM COME TRUE
I put myself in abusive situations (work, girlfriends, friends).
I am passive and take abuse.
I sabotage good things for myself.
I only go after girls that don't treat me well.
I'm uncomfortable around people that are nice to me.
I don't defend myself when I'm being yelled at.
I don't fight back.
TEACHERS' PROGRAMS
You're dumb because you're in the remedial class.
We don't expect much from you.
HOW I MAKE THEM COME TRUE
I never tried in school. I never studied.
I fooled around in class to get attention.
COACH'S PROGRAMS
You are a disappointment.
Every time we are close to winning, you slack off.
You don't want to win.
You never do your best.
We can't depend on you.
HOW I MAKE THEM COME TRUE
When we were close to winning
I could feel myself losing the desire to win.
I felt uncomfortable being in the limelight.
I never tried my best.
Greg's behavior is a perfect example of how we make our Programs come true. He caused trouble for himself in school, and kept himself from succeeding in sports. Thanks to his mother's Program, he believed himself to be unlovable and felt he had to work extra hard to have a girlfriend, thereby sabotaging his relationships. He also believed himself to be worthy of abuse, so he naturally allowed himself to work under Dickinsonian circumstances. During therapy, Greg was able to rip up these negative orders and create his own Programs for success, happiness, and love. Once he saw the Programs for defeat, he finally understood some of his negative behavior, and realized he needed positive Self-Prescriptions to become healthy.
GREG'S NEW SELF-PROGRAMS
I am a winner.
I am successful.
I am assertive.
I am worthy of respect.
I am enough.
I am lovable.
I am deserving of love.
I can aspire to great things.
I deserve to be treated fairly.
I deserve to have a loving girlfriend.
HOW I WILL MAKE THEM COME TRUE
I will choose people and situations that are good for me.
I will surround myself with good people who treat me fairly.
I will read books on assertiveness and practice in my everyday life.
I will see myself through my own eyes as the good person that I am.
I will recognize my abilities and allow myself to be good at what I do.
I will learn to overcome the fear of winning.
I will learn how to receive praise.
I will look for a good job that pays well, and a boss who treats me fairly.
I will allow myself to play my best in sports.
I will look to myself for support.
I will get rid of all people and situations that are hurting me.
I will dream.
Thanks to these Programs, he has moved into his own apartment with a recovering alcoholic friend from AA. He is actively looking for another job with better working conditions, and is apprenticing with a woodworker to learn the art of fine furniture repair. He is paying off debts so he can eventually become self-employed, and has had an appreciative supportive girlfriend for two months.
Identifying your programs
Now imagine you are a patient of mine. You got my name from a trusted friend, teacher, advisor, or physician. You made the decision to try psychotherapy. You called me, and we arranged a time for our first appointment. You felt a little scared, nervous, and curious. Upon entering my waiting room, you noticed there were no magazines, nothing to distract you from your own feelings and thoughts. I opened the doorway to my office, invited you in, and the process began. I want you to continue to imagine this as you let this workbook be you Home-Study Guide For Growth and Change. Allow yourself to personally go through the stages of therapy as you read each chapter. As you read case histories, take the questionnaires, and do the exercises and assignments, notice the self-discoveries along the way. Whether you're already in therapy, contemplating therapy, or simply want to go through the process of therapy with this workbook alone, allow this experience to help you free your true self.
It's time now to take all the information you've learned so far, and figure out what's been controlling your life. Write your Father Programs, your Mother Programs, your Sibling Programs, and any other Programs from important people in your childhood. Next, write how you obeyed these "commands." It's very important to know your part in saying "yes" to these Programs, to discover how you are responsible for making them true. If you realize your responsibility in this, you'll also see your power to grow and change.
Now, take some time to review your Programs. Are they true? Do you like them? Are you ready to delete them up, to write new Programs, to begin anew? It's time to take control of your future, of yourself. Now. Write your own new Self-Prescriptions and the ways in which you will make them come true. Read them daily. Believe them. Practice them. Make them a part of yourself.
FATHER'S PROGRAMS
How I Make Them Come True
MOTHER’S PROGRAMS
How I Make Them Come True
SIBLING’S PROGRAMS
How I Make Them Come True
IMPORTANT OTHERS’ PROGRAMS
How I Make Them Come True
MY NEW SELF-PROGRAMS
How I Will Make Them Come True
Homework 1
Once Upon A Time...
Now that you have a clearer idea of your true self, I want you to write your life story. Begin with "Once upon a time..." Tell where you were born, what your parents or caretakers were like. Describe your home, your school, your friends. Write your story, your autobiography. Use more paper if you need it, and attach it to this workbook.